Once again, it’s now been over a year since I posted anything on my blog. I really should be doing it more often, but I want this to be a place where I can be fully transparent and honest, especially if I’m feeling a certain way. And if I am, I know there are some people who might not be able to handle it. Maybe that’s why I’ve hesitated. To post…to even share on social media. There are some others who already think there’s something wrong with me, just for simply being myself, speaking my mind, saying what I want to say, and demonstrating the emotions I’ve been experiencing. I’ve never lived my life to impress others. In most cases, I really don’t give a damn what people think of me. Unless of course they are a true good friend whom I can completely be myself around. Then why am I so hesitant to be honest here? Why do I care? The people who truly love me and care about me will understand and help me work through it in whatever way they can. And they won’t judge me. They won’t mock me. They won’t laugh at me or make stupid jokes that are not the least bit funny. They won’t gossip about me behind my back or make sarcastic little jokes about me or the state I’m in or what I’m going through. They won’t belittle my beliefs.
So again, the question is – why do I care about the people who would do all those things, in the name of so-called “friendship” – or even “family”? If you would do all those things, then you are NOT my friend.
So to those people I say – be damned. To hell with you and your self-righteous opinions of me. If you truly love me and care about me, you would not simply judge me. Nor would you say you’re “worried” about me and yet not try to help. You certainly wouldn’t say you are “concerned” about me and then not reach out to me in over one year (yes, that actually happened). Obviously you really truly weren’t as concerned as you claimed you were, when I don’t hear from you in ONE…YEAR… and when you finally do reach out, the only reason you did so was because there was a significant event in YOUR life that you wanted to tell me about.
Yeah – you were “concerned”…
And to those who haven’t spoken to me in almost TWO YEARS – even while occupying the same space as me – first, I’d like to know exactly what I did to warrant this sudden and unexplained reversal of our relationship, because frankly I have no earthly clue. Second, it’s been so long now that I’ve gotten to the point where my mantra has become “if you don’t need me, I don’t need you either.”
I didn’t stop talking to you – YOU did.
I didn’t end the relationship – YOU did.
I’d just like to know what it is that I did wrong. I honestly can’t think of anything. So, please – enlighten me. Tell me what I did to deserve the sudden and abrupt silent treatment. Not to mention the sight of one of you literally turning your back on me. Yes – that actually happened too.
You’ve got other friends now – some new, but some that you never would have even met if it wasn’t for me. You don’t need me anymore. I used to matter to you. But you know what? I mattered as long as I was able to DO something for you. That’s it, isn’t it? I no longer serve your purposes. You no longer need me. I just wanna know how you sleep at night. You don’t even acknowledge my existence. Not even when we are occupying the same place.
That’s okay. Maybe some day you’ll have the guts to approach me and tell me what it is that I did to you to make you stop talking to me and end the relationship. I will not be approaching you. The ball is not in my court.
The ball’s in YOUR court. It’s YOUR serve.
I have had the blessing of meeting SO many people who have become really great friends. I’ll hold on to those people.
I still love you and wish you no harm. But I know whom I can trust in and believe in and run to for comfort when I need to.
You no longer serve that purpose for ME.
