“Empty Garden”

If you only knew…

If you only knew what it felt like.

If you could only understand the pain and disbelief. One cruel, heartless act that devastated the hearts of a generation.

Unfortunately – you had to be there…

I cannot believe that today is FORTY years that John Lennon was murdered.  I remember it like it was yesterday…

December 8, 1980 was an eventful day for John Lennon. He had a photo shoot in his apartment at the Dakota, as well as a radio interview. The better part of the day was spent in the studio. His first album in 5 years – Double Fantasy – had just been released on November 17th. However, there was still so much material left, he and Yoko were already working on the next album. John had basically gone into hiding since the birth of his son Sean on October 9, 1975 – on what was also John’s 35th birthday.  He became a “house husband” before it was fashionable, staying home with the new baby, changing diapers, doing the feedings, baking bread – while Yoko tended to the business end of their lives. Five years out of the limelight, five years spent with his son Sean – the child that for awhile he and Yoko thought they would never have.

Most of the songs on Double Fantasy came out of this time, when the former Beatle was living a life he basically had never lived before. He was just 22 years old when his son Julian was born in 1963, and it was in the midst of the height of Beatlemania. Crazy, busy times that, unfortunately, didn’t lend themselves well to being a daddy to a little boy. John was in a position now where he could give himself completely to Sean. And he loved every minute of it.

After being removed from the music world for 5 years, he suddenly realized that he and Yoko had some great songs, and maybe it was time to release them on an album. He was very proud of their work.

On the night of December 8, 1980 John and Yoko left the studio and said “See you tomorrow” to the people they had been working with. They were going to grab a bite to eat but then decided to go home first so they could say goodnight to Sean, who was with his nanny.

As they exited the car in front of the entrance to the Dakota, a voice came out of the darkness. “Mr. Lennon” was all it said. And then the early December evening was shattered by the sound of gun shots, and Yoko’s screams.

Someone called the police. The shooter was still standing there. I believe someone may have wrestled him to the ground, after he dropped his weapon. I’m not sure if an ambulance was called or not, but the police officers took it upon themselves to carry John over to their squad car, place his profusely bleeding body in the back seat, and race to the hospital.

John had been shot 4 times at close range. The doctors and nurses feverishly worked on him but could not save him. He was dead almost immediately upon arrival at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in New York City. He was just 40…years…old…

The word got out to the Monday Night Football broadcast commentators, and they made the decision to make an announcement. Howard Cosell told the world that John Lennon had been shot and killed.

I didn’t find out about it until the next morning, because I had gone to bed. But my father had been watching the game. When I got up for work the next morning, he had left a note on the kitchen table. “Listen to the radio” was all it said. Strange that he would leave me such a note. He knows that I listen to the news every morning before work for weather, etc. I turned it on, coming into the middle of the broadcast. All I heard was “Beatles” and the words “shot” and “died” and “he” – I pounded my fist on the table, yelling at the radio. “Which one? Which one??”

Would it really have mattered – which one…

Think about the singers of your lifetime. Someone who influenced a generation and brought joy to so many with their music. Someone who was an icon. Someone whom you felt like you knew personally because they reached into your heart and soul with their words.

John Lennon was the voice of a generation. Truth be told, several generations. The kids who were lucky enough to see The Beatles live. But also the ones like me, who were too young at that time, but grew up listening to their music and became fans just like everybody else.

His death was devastating. I cannot say it any less than that. Within hours of the awful announcement, people were flocking to the Dakota – to place flowers and memorials, to pay their respects. To weep – for the tragic loss of a generation’s voice.

John Lennon certainly wasn’t perfect. But he was a man who believed in peace and love and making the world a better place. And his music with the Beatles and in his solo career reflected that. He spoke for all of us.

More importantly, he was a husband. And a father. To a little 5-year-old who was never going to see his daddy again. The loss was unbearable. Especially because of the way he was taken from us.

My cousin Chris and I went to the Dakota that Tuesday night. We stood behind barricades across the street with hundreds of other fans, singing along with the Beatles and Lennon music that was playing. Trying to comprehend, come to grips, with the unspeakable tragedy.

The following Sunday, I went to Central Park with my neighbor and friend Katie for the public memorial that Yoko had requested. Thousands of people in one place. For John.

I guess I can’t really explain how the loss of John Lennon affected me and so many other people. We didn’t know him personally, but we felt like we did. Because he spoke to us. And made us sing. And gave us awareness. The closest I guess I can compare it to and maybe make some of you understand is thinking about someone like Kurt Cobain. He was young and the voice of a generation as well. Do you remember what his music made you feel like? Do you remember how his words affected you? Elvis Presley’s death was another huge loss. I’m not comparing deaths, but John Lennon was MURDERED. He literally was just “Starting Over” – with his wife, and his little boy, and his music. It’s a tragedy that I don’t think I will ever get over. 40 years later – FORTY YEARS – and it’s still absolutely one of the worst things that has ever happened.

There are still songs to this day that I cannot listen to without bursting into tears. And yet, I listen to pieces like “Instant Karma” and “Imagine” which have more than stood the test of time, and I realize that John is still a voice, still influencing, all these many, many years later. And his talent was passed on to his sons, Julian and Sean. They, and his own music, are his best legacy.

John Lennon – you are still loved, you are still missed, and it still hurts. But your music continues to live on. And what you stood for. And I think you would be proud of that.

“And I’ve been knocking, but no one answers. And I’ve been knocking most of the day. Oh, and I’ve been calling, oh-oh, hey-hey Johnny – can’t you come out, can’t you come out to play? Johnny, can’t you come out to play, in your empty garden…”