Randomness Of My Haphazard Thoughts

I’m glad Mardi Gras is over.
I didn’t enjoy it as much this year.
I can’t put my finger on it.
I had some fun I guess.
But, not completely.
I don’t like Endymion in my neighborhood.
It’s not the same as it is on the more “privileged” parts of the route.
If it moved, I wouldn’t care.
If I was alone in this city, I would feel trapped.
Where would I go?
What would I do?
I couldn’t do this here by myself.
Have I become complacent?
Am I too dependent?
I’m not as strong as others might think I am.
Why am I here?
I still feel like a stranger in a strange land.
Why did I ever move here?
Am I really happy here?
Sometimes I hate this place.
It could be so much better.
But maybe it never will be.
Maybe the best it’s ever gonna be has already passed.
And maybe that wasn’t even the best.
What was I thinking?
Why did I come here?
I want people to pay for covid.
China.
The U.S. government.
Anthony Fauci.
The CDC director.
I wanna tell everyone I know and don’t know who called me a conspiracy theorist to go to hell.
I was right.
All along, I was right.
I knew it from the very beginning.
We were all right.
It’s all coming out now.
Just as I thought it would.
I knew that too.
All along.
You told us we didn’t care about others.
You told us we were being political.
You told us we were gonna “kill Grandma.”
You couldn’t stand the fact that I hated that damn freakin mask. 
I knew it was stupid and that it didn’t work.
If anyone tells me ever again to put a mask on, I will light it on fire in front of your face.
Give it a rest, you said.
You called me an “ignorant selfish fuck” because I dared to say that I was upset about losing my job.
You blocked me.
I didn’t block you.
You unfriended me.
At least three people cut me off in one way or another.
They destroyed our country with the lockdowns.
I knew it was all wrong in March of 2020! 
I was questioning EVERYTHING as early as then and was criticized for doing so!
I knew without a doubt what was happening at the end of April 2020.
They were trying to take our freedoms away!
I knew the kids were gonna be messed up.
All the businesses they destroyed.
They need to pay for what they did to us.
They all need to pay.
They need to be held responsible for what they did.
Things between myself and some people I know will never be the same because I followed my gut.
Because I dared to disagree and not “fall in line.”
I get so scared sometimes.
About the future.
About my future.
About being alone.
About getting old.
Sometimes I wonder if I am going to have to deal with the stuff I deal with for the rest of my life.
But if it went away tomorrow, what would I do?
I would be trapped here.
I would be lost.
I don’t think I would be able to survive.
I wouldn’t be able to do any of this by myself.
I know some of the things that I wanna do.
I just can’t find the motivation.
Is this it?
Is this all there is?
“You gotta go out and make it happen.”
Oh yeah?
And how exactly do you DO that?
“Living your BEST life”?
Like you have more than one?
Haha – I guess that might be the point.
All the truth is coming out.
And everybody that denied it is NOWHERE to be found.
CRICKETS!
Come out from under your rocks, all you elitist, self-righteous people.
And admit YOU…WERE…WRONG.
And you took it all away from the rest of us.
It’s ALL unraveling.
The truth is all coming out.
ALL…OF…IT.
Hey, all you people who were touting Biden/Harris on your Facebook profiles – How’s that working out for you?
Because it sucks for me!
And all because you had hatred in your hearts.
You voted for someone who is destroying our country.
All because you couldn’t stand the other guy.
The lockdowns were WRONG.
The mandates were WRONG.
Making the people who didn’t want to take the vaccine feel like lepers was WRONG.
I feel like I should fly to New York and spend quality time with my mother.
Fly first class!
But I’m scared to.
Scared to get on a plane.
Scared to go by myself.
I don’t feel good when I don’t spend time with God during my day.
I usually don’t feel like I’m feeling now when I read my devotionals and scripture.
So why am I not carving out the time to do it every day?
When I lay down at night, it’s so easy to say what I’m gonna do the next day.
And then the next day comes, and…
I guess I’m generally a happy person.
But there is stuff that makes me sad too.
Nobody can be happy and positive all the time.
It’s not natural.
It’s like you must be hiding something if you are.
It’s not normal.
At least I’m honest.
I feel tired.
But I can’t sleep anymore.
When I was younger, I could sleep until Noon!
That’s so unnecessary.
But I rarely sleep straight through the night anymore.
I wake up several times with a myriad of thoughts in my head.
I always thought I was a city girl.
But sometimes I think I just wanna live in a small, quiet town somewhere.
Certainly a place where it’s not so brutally hot a good part of the time.
I like the cold.
Not ice and snow cold.
Just…colder.
Than it is here most of the time.
And peace and quiet.
I like that too.
The older I get.
The thing I think I value most is my peace and quiet.
I want my son to be happy.
I want him to find his way.
I want him to find his niche.
I want him to be blessed with somebody in his life who loves him and appreciates him for who he is.
And all that he is.
I’m not sure about myself these days.
I wonder about so much.
If all the things I’ve ever believed in are even true anymore.
All this truth about covid coming out is making me angry.
Somebody I don’t know just called somebody I do know a “scared little bitch” for choosing not to get the vaccine.
Maybe that shoe is on the other foot there, pal.
“Pandemic of the Unvaccinated” – You lying, stinking, divisive, pompous asses!
So much for being “tolerant” of other people’s choices.
At least in the case of the vaccine, “my body my choice” actually applies!
Now I have to decide if I want to publish this for all to see, so to speak.
Some may read, some may not.
Why should I care anymore?
I’ve got TRUTH on my side.
And EVERYBODY knows it now.