That’s how I am feeling right now.
Small. Alone. Insignificant.
Woke up looking at Facebook. Should have started my day with God first. Facebook has the ability to make you feel so left out. Everybody I know it seems had great outings last night.
And here I sit.
I should be used to feeling left out in my life by now. I remember SO many birthdays when I was a kid where I cried at my own birthday party. The birthday party was in MY OWN HOUSE and I was CRYING.
I remember countless times as a teenager when my friends/cousins bailed on me for whatever reason. Made plans with me, said they would be there, got me feeling excited and wanted – and then suddenly chose something or someone else over me. Left me feeling used – discarded.
I wonder if they ever knew how much they hurt my heart?
Side note: You know who was ALWAYS there for me when that shit happened? My mother.
I wasn’t a part of the families and groups of friends that I’m seeing on social media this morning. Not because I was “left out” – but because they’re somebody else’s lives. But it leads me to sit here and wonder.
What is MY life? When is more going to start happening for me? I ain’t gettin’ any younger.
If I’m lucky, what do I have left? 20 years maybe?
“You gotta live your life now! Take advantage of every opportunity whenever you can!” Well, truth is, most of the time it takes money to do things.
And I don’t have it.
And whose fault is that? I can just hear the certain people in my life who would be saying that. Trust me, there are many things in my life that I wish I had done differently.
Furthered my education. Saved more of my money when I was single.
Guess I was living my life then, huh?
Sometimes I’m disappointed with the way my life turned out. But it’s all about choices, right? Isn’t that what they say?
You made your bed. Lie in it.
And then there’s the conception that everyone’s life is turning out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Sure, you make decisions on some things. But your basic life – who you are and where you’re supposed to be – it’s all planned already.
Which then leads me to believe, is this it? Is this it for me? Is this all there is?
So I started out this post with saying I was feeling left out. Left out of things that I wasn’t a part of to begin with. Just looking at Facebook and seeing what seem to be the full lives of my family and friends. And wondering, where’s mine? Do I not have the things they have and the ability to do all the things they do because I’ve made the wrong choices? Or because this is how it’s supposed to be?
Sometimes lately I feel like I am meant for greater things than this. Could I be out there making more things happen for me? Sure, I suppose. But like I said, some of the things I want take money. Like travel. So many places I want to go and see.
And I feel like I am going to die without ever getting there.
“You were born for such a time as this” – Esther 4:14
So – do I wait? For my life and purpose to be revealed to me? What do I do in the meantime?
And how long is it going to take?
Blessed. I am blessed. That is a fact. But I guess it is sometimes human nature to always want more.
We’re greedy little people sometimes, aren’t we?
I thank God every night for everything that I have. And 99% of them are the things that money can’t buy.
Sometimes Facebook can make you feel like all you are doing is missing out. If it can make someone my age feel that way, I can imagine what it does to pre-teens and teenagers who are already feeling like outsiders.
My spiritual identity has grown exponentially over the past couple of years. I want to believe that God has a purpose for my life. Something bigger than this. “Walk by faith, not by sight.”
That’s not always easy.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I think God is some kind of magician, and I’m just sitting around doing nothing, waiting for Him to perform a “spell” on my life. He’s given me a talent that I am trying to pursue, but I need to do better with that. Maybe that’s my “purpose”?
Maybe it’s a combination of everything that I just mentioned. Maybe there are certain things that I need to make happen and He will take care of the rest.
That involves me climbing out of my comfort zone. When I was 13, there was a period of time during my life then when I became somewhat of a hermit. I rarely left my house. I had very few friends. There was very little that I enjoyed doing.
Almost 50 years later, I feel like I’m crawling inside myself again. Wanting to be a part of things, wanting to make things happen – yet feeling “left out” from the world. So I retreat.
Maybe because I never belonged to begin with.
Maybe what I should be feeling is not “left out” but that I am not, and never was, a part of this world anyway. And find that very thin line between wanting to belong and be a part of what everyone else has – and finding the courage to stand out and be the person that God designed me to be.
Even when I was 13, I never wanted to be like everybody else. Maybe I am supposed to rise above all of this. Maybe God has created me “for such a time as this.” I want to make a difference. I want to do something for His glory. I don’t want to be of this world. I want to belong – but to something greater.
Oddly Enough 