My husband said recently in one of our conversations that I can’t be grateful for God’s grace and mercy, know and believe how blessed I am, but at the same time feel disappointed in my life and wondering when things are going to get better for me. I do know how incredibly blessed we are. I am grateful for the little things every single day. Right now I need God to help me combat jealousy and envy. Everyone I know seems to be getting everything they want. Fabulous vacations, great jobs they are passionate about, retirement, financial stability… God has sustained us for over TWO years on one income. Our bills are not in arrears, we have food on the table. How can I know all of that and still be feeling the things that I am feeling? It’s a contradiction in terms, absolutely. A juxtaposition. I can’t have complete faith and trust in God and what He is doing in my life and still be dissatisfied.
I truly believe that I am in a waiting season. God is working on me as we speak. He is pruning my branches to the point where I feel that I have no friends or family left. At least not the ones I have always been close to. My husband said yesterday, while a friend of ours was in our house briefly, that “yeah…we don’t have a lot of visitors.” It makes me sad that, for the most part, that is so true. Nobody comes to see us. Occasionally. But not often. Why is that? Are we that horrible as people? I don’t think so. Have I lost friends and family members because I have done terrible things to them? No, I haven’t done anything terrible to anyone. But I have also been true to myself. And isn’t that what’s important? After all, when everyone else is gone, you only have yourself.
Is this what happens when you are true to yourself? You lose everything?
David waited 15 years. Joseph waited 22. Sarah waited 10 years. Moses waited 40.
God’s timing. Not mine.
I’m waiting, Lord, and trying so hard to be patient while I wait on You. I wonder often, what am I doing wrong. Would You tell me?
You have come through for me more times than I can count when it seemed like there was no…other…way.
I want to do Your will. I want to know my purpose according to Your will.
Why does it seem like everyone else is getting everything that they want and I am still struggling? I’m so tired of struggling. Can I say that yet still know how blessed I am?
I will continue to wait on You, Lord. But if there’s anything I’m doing wrong, if there’s anything I’m not doing right according to Your will – Will You please tell me?
I want to do right by You and give You all the glory. Because in the end, nothing…else…matters.
Oddly Enough 