I Am Lost

It’s been over a year since my last blog post.  Fourteen months and ten days, to be exact.  I have been struggling mentally, emotionally, and spiritually during that time – and continue to do so.

I’ve been hurting in so many ways.  I have been doubting every single thing about my life – my friends, my family, my worth, my value, my purpose in this world.  I am so immensely blessed.  I practice daily gratitude.  I have out loud conversations with God every day and every night.  And yet – I still struggle.  I know how His grace and mercy have been lavished over me.  I know He is there.  I know that He will never leave me or forsake me.  But I know I’m not doing this right.  I am human.  But I cannot seem to figure out how to differentiate between His love for me and the lack I perceive that I have in my life – even though I really don’t.  I don’t lack for anything.  I have my health.  I have my husband and my son.  They have their health.  We are together.  We have a house.  We have a fridge and freezer packed full of food.  We have money to pay all of our bills, even though there is currently only one income to our household.  What I’m not doing right is praising Him continually even through my doubts; looking to Him when I feel that way; delving into His word on a daily basis; opening up the Bible before I begin my day with anything else.  My husband said to me recently, you can’t do both – you can’t praise God and be thankful and at the same time talk about things you want that you don’t have.  I’m paraphrasing, but that’s about the gist of it.

They say that nobody else can give you happiness, that you have to find it for yourself.  I guess I am unhappy with the way my life has turned out in some respects.  Maybe in my mind I am disappointed because I had visions in my head about certain things and it hasn’t turned out that way.  So how can I practice gratitude and thank God on a daily basis for what I have and still feel that way?

Someone I know and love recently asked my husband when I wasn’t around if I’m okay.  He said, she’s fine, but then asked, why?  The other person said, “because she seems depressed and really angry all the time.”  When I heard that, I got very upset.

But – maybe she’s right.

My son told me recently that I’m angry a lot.  Not all the time, he said, but a lot.  I blame my anger on things my husband says and does, that those things trigger me, and if they didn’t happen, then I would be fine. 

But – is that really true?

I’m spending way too much time by myself.  I’m constantly in my own head.  If I could just get…out…of my own…head. 

I’m trying to stay busy, trying to do things that I like.  Those seem fewer and far between these days.  My husband has a lot:  darts, his doubloon collection, cutting the grass at the German club we belong to, his work… I don’t know what I have.  I have my writing.  That’s about it.  I should do it more often.  I do have a couple of projects that I am working on or want to work on.  But my motivation levels come and go.   I keep saying no to all kinds of things that my husband wants to do.  I guess because it seems like they’re all things that are for him.  Not us.  Although like he keeps saying, it’s not about the “things” it’s about us doing stuff together, whatever that might be.  And yet – I still feel – alone. 

There’s so much that I want to do.  Places I want to go, things I want to see.  And rather than feeling like I can work my way towards those things, instead I feel like they are never going to happen.  I’ll never get to London.  I’ll never see Venice.  Our entire married life, we have struggled financially.  We’ve always lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck, never had much in savings at any given time… we come into chunks of money occasionally and spend it just as quickly.  Easy come, easy go – right?  But who’s fault is that?  His?  Mine?  Both of us?  Doesn’t the Bible say that the man is supposed to be the head of the household and provide for the family?  Well, he’s doing that now.  God has sustained us on one income for two years.  We have a brand new stove that we bought outright.  We have a brand new clothes dryer that we bought outright.  We paid off our credit card debt in February of 2020 after being in a four-year program.  Hallelujah!

And then the lockdowns happened.  And I eventually lost my job.   

I just want to know where I’m headed. I believe that God has me in a waiting season. It feels like the longest waiting season ever. I’m supposed to trust the path without knowing the answers or what’s laid out ahead of me on that path while I’m waiting. I’m supposed to trust Him and believe that He has me right where He wants me and where I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to trust that everything that has happened – and will happen – is part of His plan for the next stage of my life. I want to do something with my life that will bring Him the glory. I have pursued those things in some respects, but it hasn’t worked out yet. What am I doing wrong?

I know in my heart part of what I am doing wrong. When God tells me to let something go – I need to let it go. And if that includes people, then I must let them go too, as hard as that might be. I need to get rid of my anger. Is that what I want my son to remember about me, that I was angry all the time? I need to “pick my battles” so to speak and not get so bent out of shape over stupid little things. Why do I do that?

I say all the time that I want God’s peace more than anything. I have been getting messages from Him constantly in recent months, telling me that I have a multitude of blessings ready to rain down on me. I believe that. This waiting season that I’m in is getting ready to end. But it won’t. Not until I do what God is waiting for me to do. All the things that He wants me to do, to make myself a better person, a better Christian – can I truly call myself a Christian? He wants me above all to trust Him, and get into His word on a daily basis – why is it so hard for me to do that? I do that with social media for hours on end every day. Why can’t I do it with Him? He wants me to believe. He wants me to stop letting the Devil direct my thoughts. He wants me to be kinder and gentler. But why can’t I stop thinking that I am being taken advantage of? That I’m not appreciated? That I’m not worthy? That I don’t matter anymore? That I am insignificant? Maybe I am. That if I wasn’t here, it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference.

I guess I know that my family loves me. I guess I just wish they would show it more. But maybe they can’t be more loving to me because my words and actions towards them are not more loving. Why am I always thinking the worst?

I’ve also been feeling for many months now that something bad is coming. That something terrible is going to happen. I mean, I have been acutely feeling that for awhile now. But maybe it’s something good. Maybe it’s something absolutely wonderful. Like a breakthrough. Like being washed over by all the blessings I’ve been praying for, for so long. Why can’t I believe that, instead of impending doom? Praise God. Through it all. Stop allowing the many tiny things of daily life get to me and continue to dictate my every waking hour. It is indeed a daily struggle. Because I’m human. It’s really hard to be human. I want so badly to live outside of this earthly realm and live more in the spiritual. I want to be a spiritual being and believe and trust in God that no matter what happens – good or bad – that my faith and trust in Him will get me through anything. He has been there for me many times before. I don’t want to fall to pieces.