So many feelings right now…

This is not the first time this has happened in the past 7 months. A multitude of emotions are suddenly rushing over me today. ANXIETY. That says it ALL. But more than just that one word. I’m feeling not only incredibly anxious, but also: scared, fearful, uncertain, worried, concerned, uneasy, nervous, and VERY agitated. It helps to admit these things on paper, and I am still learning how to give over these negative emotions to the Lord. It is SO hard for me to let go of whatever control I think I have. The truth is, I have none about what is happening around me. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. The worst thing anyone can say to me is, “Well, that’s just the way it is.” The eternal idealist inside me cannot and refuses to accept that. I just want everything to be right, and good, and true, and safe, and peaceful. The older I get, the more my peace of mind and the sometime illusion of peace around me is extremely important to me. Sometimes more important than anything else. Because if I have peace, I am content, and I can do anything. But there are things happening today in my world that are disturbing my inner peace. Nothing terrible. Just something that I don’t have any control over. Add that to whatever else is in my head that is making me agitated today, and the result is everything I mentioned above. Of course, it doesn’t help that the world as a whole is not a confident, unwavering, restful place these days. For the most part, I am keeping up my mantra of “one day at a time”. I’ve gotten better at not worrying so much, particularly about something like money. Every night before I fall asleep, I talk to God. Mostly, I thank Him for my family, and our health, and for everything we have that He has given us. But I talk to Him too about the things that are affecting me and the world and tell Him how I know that He is the only one who can fix everything. He knows my heart, so I don’t need to say all these things out loud. But I need to, and He needs me to. He needs to hear my thanks and praise. I apologize to Him when I have disappointed Him as His child, which is almost on a daily basis. I want nothing more than God’s peace. That peace “which surpasses all understanding”. I want that SO badly. I pray for it every day. Recently, when my mother told me how the state of the world is affecting her emotionally, I told her, “Say the Serenity Prayer.” She was sure of parts of it, but not all, so we went over it a couple of times together. She knows it now. And in one of our subsequent phone calls, when I was feeling like I’m feeling today, she gave me back my own piece of advice. “Say the Serenity Prayer” she told me. I could hear her smile through the phone. I chuckled and said, “Aha, okay – touche’ Mom.” I already know how to make myself feel better by putting my thoughts down on paper. What I need to get better at is turning to God at moments like this. He is there for me, no matter what is going on in my life. His love never fails. His love is steadfast and true, and He is always there for me. I can trust Him above all else. He will never leave me or forsake me. He “knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future”. And you know what? HE’S THERE FOR YOU TOO. Look for Him. Search for Him. Seek His face. Listen for His voice. You, like me, are His child. And He loves you. Turn to Him in times of goodness and in times of strife. His presence and His love are everlasting. I’m sharing my experience with Him. But I need to continue to believe as well. I don’t stop believing, but sometimes I falter. And He is always there to pick me up. He can and will be for you too.